Mirror, Mirror...

"Mirror, mirror, tell me true. I see me when I see you. Am I patient? Am I kind? You'll tell me, 'cause you don't lie...Horses don't lie!"
~Mary Ann Kennedy in "Mirror, Mirror"


In Parelli, we are all taught early on that our horse is our mirror. Most of the time (at least in a lot of cases) we hear it, we say we understand, and we probably do, to a point. But usually we really realize it when some experience comes and slaps us in the face, and we go "Oh my GOD, reflection of myself much?". I've had several big experiences like that, and a lot of little ones, and they're sometimes exciting, and other times a little bitter to swallow. Today, I had a really blinding one. A "how-the-hell-could-I-have-missed-it?!" type of experience. But before I explain, I need to give some background information.

My mom and I do not get along. It's not something I'm going to whine about, I've accepted it. But it's important to know that, and also to know why for this story. I am a very strong-willed person. I don't take no for an answer, I'm stubborn as a mule, I am overly-sensitive and easily offended, and am often viewed as arrogant, defiant and self-centered. My mom is very structured and has a very clear image of what she wants in life. She's quieter, and a lot of times, is motivated to do things out of the fear of losing that structure. She comes off a lot of times as judgmental, and especially around me, has extremely high standards and sometimes overlooks everything that is well done, because she gets tunnel vision toward a goal (gee, she doesn't sound human, does she?). I don't blame her for it at all, but I end up very frustrated, unmotivated and asking "Why should I?" around her a lot of the time, particularly recently, for reasons that I won't get into.

Anyway, today I set out to play with Prin. I pulled out my 45' line, and we went off into the slop (yay for 50 and sunny!) to play with some things. The session started out okay, but not nearly what I had hoped for. She was a bit unresponsive, but ever more so, she lacked draw entirely. Now, being that I've totally adjusted my focus to the relationship, I stopped as soon as the backward S pattern wasn't effective, and went "Why isn't she wanting to draw?"...the obvious answer is "I'm doing something that makes her not want to be around me." But WHAT?! Hmmm...

So I decided to play a bit more, and examine my behavior while I did it. I sent her out on a circle, with my goal to just have her trot loosely toward the end of the 45' line. Now, by all standards, my horse did it. But she wasn't trotting with biomechanical correctness, so I asked her ribs over. She swished her tail and leaned into the halter. "How RUDE!" I thought...so I asked her to go sideways "Fine, go sideways then!" More tail swishing, and then she SHOT sideways away from me, and about pulled me off my feet. My exact thought process was laughable: "MY GOD, Prin, don't take that so PERSONALLY, I merely suggested that you might be more comfortable if...OH MY GOD...PRIN IS REACTING LIKE ME AND I AM ACTING JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!" How about THAT for a self-imposed knife in the gut?! Could I get any more nit-picky?! I mean, Prin and I are at a point where it's okay for me to focus on the physical, but to not even acknowledge the try first and let her settle in? That couldn't be more like my mother's relationship with me!

I stopped, brought my horse in, and proceeded to burst out laughing. I couldn't be mad at that! It was so simple! My horse is my mirror. Of course. How could I have missed it? Even the defiant looks she was giving ME were ones I was familiar with from doing them myself! (Talk about an interesting attitude shift on the thought "WIPE THAT LOOK OFF YOUR FACE!") I had been nit-picking the ENTIRE session, not allowing and recognizing a try, and certainly not thinking about what would make her feel good and excited about performing for me. And the more I thought, the more I realized why prior sessions had gone well or not. All my good sessions in recent times have been when I've sacrificed my leadership and given Prin "The 51%" so to speak, and let her choose what she wanted to do, and then I had just slipped in and molded it a little. All the ones that had gone poorly were like this one; my critic persona and I had taken over the session. No wonder Prin's feedback had gotten more outspoken. You should hear the things I've said to my mother recently! OH BOY!

I had been talking to one of my instructors last night, and she suggested (since my mom and I have been fighting) that I stick close to my horse, because her feedback could be trusted to be honest and unbiased. Honest and unbiased indeed (and slice of humble pie too, while you're at it!). While it was alarming, and a bit amusing, I know it was the key I needed, because of course, it worked! Immediately that I realized what I was doing, and consciously went "Wow, I'm not fond of that image, how do I change?", Prin said "THANK YOU!" and let all the tension and brace out of her mind and body. We proceeded to finish up with some of the best long-line driving we've ever had, both with smiles on our faces.

Now, what's interesting to me about this discovery is that I've always called myself an LBE. Prin is an LBI with Extroverted traits, and now that I read back on this, I'm realizing I've got a lot more Introverted traits than I had originally charted. "Defiant, stubborn, unmotivated"? That's not LBE! And the more I study this realization, the more I realize we're more alike than I thought, my horse and I. It's almost comforting, and that's why I've taken this feedback so well, because I now realize just how easy it'll be for me to communicate. All I have to do is think about how I'd want my mother to motivate me, and then translate it into equine terms! Maybe easier said than done, but it's a skeleton for progress at least!


So. I'd like to firstly thank Kristi Smith for reminding me that my horse will give me the feedback I need and can trust. Secondly, I'd like to thank Linda, who's little voice in my head totally motivated me to see the humor in this experience. (Not to mention, inspired me to write about it!) and thirdly, I'd like to thank my large, spotted mirror. How I managed to miss it for so long, I do not know. This will be an interesting transformation to go through. I'll keep posting as we go along here.

Savvy on!

Behold the Powers of an Attitude Adjustment!

I want to just comment on this:



This girl is probably the most talented young PNHer I know. Every time she puts a video out, I watch and my jaw drops. She's more consistent in drawing that effect in me than Pat and Linda are.

Anyway, more than being an awesome girl (She's 14, and that little chestnut with the star is a 2 year old!) with awesome relationship-building skills, Hannah's also a fantastic reminder of what I need to do for myself. She put up a post a couple days ago on her blog in which she talked about a question I had asked her. She had been struggling with her horse Blaze's attitude, even in undemanding sessions, and I asked her "Are you doing the undemanding time for him, or are you doing it because you feel like it's necessary to change him?" This is a question they asked us OVER AND OVER AND OVER at the center. Not specifically that, but more "Are you doing it for the horse, or TO the horse?". By the same token, we're constantly reminded that "It's not about the ___, it's about the relationship."

I suppose this is the first "growth" from the seeds planted in my head at the center, but this video, combined with that blog post, combined with what's happened at our farm the past few days REALLY got me thinking. I apologize if you have trouble following--I'm thinking in segues tonight, and have A LOT on my mind.

I digress (I promise I'll get back to it in a minute) I've been to the farm every day for hours at a time since I've been home, and I've been really hesitant to DO anything. Not entirely sure why, I'm still trying to figure it out, but I think it's because I'm honestly trying to acclimate and introduce my little piece of "Parelli bubble" to my "home bubble". I have all these thoughts and things I did at the center with my horse that I want to do at home, but I don't know HOW to do it. The Parelli Center is magical like that. People ask me "What'd you learn?", and I don't know! Or rather, I don't know how to express it! But it shows in the relationship with my horses. Prin has left the herd and whatever she was doing and come trotting and whinnying to me every day since I've been home. She's been BEGGING for me to play with her. And this behavior is starting to catch on Crest, too.

So, how does this connect with Hannah? I've seen a lot of task-orientedness since I've gotten home. Auditions being submitted only for a string, a list of tasks being checked off, a person asking what new "Things" I learned to "DO" with my horse, hell, even a fantastic young horse woman asking me "What can I do to make my horse do this?" Hannah's stuff represents to me someone making a conscious effort to be with her horse for the sake of a relationship (and from something I SAID!) and since being home, I'm seeing how much MY attitude has changed in the same way. My horse NEVER used to RUN to me (she's an LBI!) and talk like that! I want that so much more and appreciate that so much more. I'm really learning what it's like to truly "walk my talk", as the faculty would phrase it, and it feels so good!

I've been asked a dozen times "When are you submitting your audition?"...Audition? Oh yeah, that. Um...whenever I guess? Make no mistake, I'm still intent on passing my L3, and L4, but more important than that right now is establishing that relationship right now. I've realized that I don't want to look back on my L3 journey and go "My God, where did it go? I put my horse through hell for the sake of a string, and WHY?!"

Tying in a little, Kristi Smith, an instructor on the faculty, and a newly-found personal mentor of mine, gave me some fantastic advice in one of a couple really great conversations we had. She said (and this is the gist, not verbatim) "Fran, I look at you and I see a huge drive, talent, and lots of dedication, but you've got to slow down and just LIVE YOUR LIFE, lady! You have MAYBE 2 years of your 'childhood' left, if you STRETCH it. The fact that you are who you are is awesome, you've found your passion, but slow down and appreciate it a little! Go play with your horse! Have some fun!" Have some fu---WHAT?! No, no time for that! It's about my goals and my future! It's about the stri--NO IT'S NOT!

So. Fran is no longer going to be on a quest for a damn green string. Farrah made her point quite clearly "I have two, want to borrow one?" No, I don't, I want to earn my own. The string represents a great relationship, not a bunch of well-performed tasks. That's the green string I want.

And this is not to say I'm not concerned with my future anymore. No, that's still really important to me. But I have a much renewed faith in that if I build a strong relationship base now (and not just with horses, but with the people surrounding and influencing me too!) when I'm 21 years old, I won't have to work my tail off to get where i need to, because it will have falling into place as I went along.

Savvy on. I'm going to do something with my horses tomorrow, I think. Lord knows they've been begging!

Thanks for reading, and again, sorry to be so scattered. As I said earlier, one of the planted seeds in my head just burst into full growth.

Praise and Material Things...

This post may be a bit more philosophical than some of you care to read, and that's fine, but I need to express some thoughts that have been floating around in my mind for the past few days.

Humans are motivated by praise, recognition and material things, and this has become PAINFULLY obvious to me in the past month or so. I am not by any means a wealthy person. I am however a good saver for things which I want, or deem "necessary" in my life. I saved for 2 weeks shy of a year to be able to afford the saddle of my dreams. I have it now, and LOVE it. The changes in my horses are phenominal. And yet today, I couldn't get the shimming right, and I'm frustrated as hell about it. Granted, I'll take 15 minutes tomorrow, and probably get it right, but that's not the point right now.

I just spent $300 on a Parelli Cradle Bridle, promising myself that "You think Prin's light right now in the bit she's got, wait until you get the cradle" Wow...I've grossly overestimated my ability to do finesse, as well as my horse's readiness for a piece of tack of that magnitude. And why? Because I'm human...I'm materialistic...I always have to have the BEST of something. And the thing is, my horse couldn't care less! Of course she couldn't, it's really no surprise, she's a horse, they have no use for material goods, they're motivated by their safety, and comfort level! YARRRGHH! And that's what makes horses and humans so incompatible, and why it's so amazing when the two species CAN interact on a high level, it's when the middle ground is found. (Yes, I am a poet, and I DO know it!)

I am, in short, very frustrated with the Cradle bridle. Mainly because I don't know WHAT is wrong. I know that with correct use, it'll be a brilliant tool for both my horse and for me. And I know the reason I'm not getting a firework display from Prin when I use it is for several reasons, some being lack of good footing, lack of motivation (who wants to move forward with a poorly shimmed saddle and grass all around anyway?) and of course, improper preparation and settings. Now that's all fine and dandy, except that I dont' know how to correct 1/2 of that.

I wear a rubber band around my wrist, and it reads "WWLD"..."What would Linda do?" It's there for me in times like this, to provide me with a much needed smack in the face and the ability to step back and examine the situation with savvy, not with frustration. Well, "WWLD" is screaming at me "You're a student, you (AND YOUR HORSE!) are on a learning curve, and when you don't know the answer, instead of getting frustrated, either with your horse or yourself, you need to take a step back and start researching." But the question remains in my head..."WHERE?! HOW?! WHAT?! What do I research?!" Some of the answers are becoming apparent to me as I write this.

Anyway, my concerns lie in the reason the Cradle is not an instant success. And now that I've gotten that off my chest, I might be able to actually do some research. If you couldn't tell, my entire attitude just did a flip...I'm going to go sleep on it now.