Photo by Margaret Chant and edited by Jessica Metropulos

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Feeling Discouraged

I, in short, have everything a horse crazy girl could want. I have two gorgeous horses, a place to board them for FREE, I have an amazing circle of PNH friends, a great, close relationship with Linda and Pat Parelli, a great relationship with one particular PNH instructor, I'll be able to buy a Parelli saddle in two weeks, I have a huge student population in my area, and am going to umpteen PNH events this year. And yet...I have no emotion or appreciation for any of this at all. Not tonight anyway.

I have so much to look forward to this year. Seriously. I really do. I'm ordering this saddle (the saddle of my DREAMS) in 2 weeks. I graduate high school THIS FRIDAY, and after that, get to drive to a good friend's place and give lessons for a week. I have at least two horses coming for training this year, I have at least 17 students (haven't counted recently, but close anyway) who are taking lessons on a pretty consistant basis, and all is right with the world.

...and yet. I find myself getting jealous of what everyone else has. It's not healthy and I don't like it. Linda Parelli would tell me "It's really simple Fran, just CHANGE!" And when I'm in a decent state of mind, that's actually not at all difficult, because I'm very adaptable as a person. But right now, mentally, I'm a MESS. The root of this is actually pretty obvious in my mind. Getting turned down for savvy team has REALLY got me bummed. Yes, I should be getting over it, after all, (I say this half-heartedly) look at all the other stuff I've got going. WHY is this dragging me down so? Is it because I feel like everyone else (savvy club forum especially) is going to get on, and I"m going to be the SOUL PERSON left out? What am I afraid of? This is REALLY bothering me, because I don't WANT to be sad. I want to be happy like I was in February. I want to smile genuinely again. WHAT is holding me back? Is it my own stubborn RBI side that WANTS me to mope? Am I just lacking sleep? I really need some words of wisdom that aren't in the form of a smartass one liner in response to my crankiness. I'll be off to email Linda about that. Time for me to go to bed now though.

Hopefully I'll feel better after some sleep. Wish me luck!

3 comments:

Emma Lee said...

Fran,
Don't be discouraged, you should never be jealous of anyone! You are so so so so lucky (spelled HARD WORK!) Chin up my dear, graduate with your straight A's (don't wear heels!), teach your students everything you know and be your generous self. You're a wonderful person and I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. genuinly lucky, I don't have to work hard for our friendship : )

Have a great time ordering your saddle!
Love ya!

Fran said...

Thanks Em, it makes me feel good to know I have supportive friends. God only knows where I'd be without you guys.

Jen said...

Fran,

From an old lady who doesn't really know you that well, but recognizes some of your struggles, I offer this:

- You want to be special AND YOU ARE

- You strive to be creative AND YOU ARE

- You want to accomplish great things AND YOU ARE

- You need to be loved, not for what you do, but who you are AND YOU ARE.

There is nothing you can accomplish or fail at that will change the worth of who YOU ARE. You're an amazing young woman, filled with dreams, desires and dedication to her chosen profession and you are a child of God. Whether you know it or not, you're loved constantly, and without condition. HE IS, and YOU ARE. :)

Let yourself be.

All my love,
Jen